Idiots parted with lots of money.

November 20th, 2012

Peoww News

The latest in the Call of Duty series, Black Ops II, has generated a little news and fuck it, it’s a slow news day and I can sneak out a quick story without any pictures.

Turns out that Treyarch’s latest Ross Kemp ‘em up made like $500 million in 24 hours.  Like, seriously.  What the fuck?  The fourth biggest launch of all-time.  People clearly have forgotten that Treyarch are the poor relations in this franchise.

Oh and Black Ops Declassified is the second biggest Vita launch title ever.  Despite this.  Rich

Rocksmith (Xbox 360)

November 17th, 2012

Review – Rocksmith

Music/Instructional

Where I come from, you don’t blow no harp, you don’t get no pussy.

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Ask Giant Minecraft Dyer #4: Halo 4

November 16th, 2012

Microsoft’s flagship shooter series, Halo, returning for a fourth outing, one of our readers Kirsty from Penryn asks Hello Mammoth Stony Dyer. My question to you is with Halo 4, have 343 taken the Bungie legacy and made it epic or is it simply an epic fail? And can you explain in laymans terms how 343 being ‘an internal Microsoft group’ is different to Bungie also owned by Microsoft?

The Dyer

A mucker of mine told me to play Halo, so I gave it a go. It was all aliens and science fiction. What am I? Some sort of numberbod?

If I’m going to start shooting up a joint, it’d better be a bank. Know what I mean?

As for 343 and The Bungie Legacy. I don’t facking know. I started watching the first one but Matt Damon does my facking nut in. I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair. They should have got me or my Dad, Ray Winstone, to play that part.

I hate Star Wars.

 

Under Defeat HD (Xbox 360)

November 15th, 2012

Review – Under Defeat HD

Vertical Shoot ‘Em Up

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.

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PES 2013 gets a fucking Facebook app.

November 14th, 2012

Peoww News

Konami have announced that PES 2013 is to get a Facebook app that allows the game to bring in all sorts of social networking features such as creating private leagues and a whole heap of stat-tracking.  All this despite the fact that no-one is playing PES anymore and indeed no-one plays football games anymore since Chelsea went and spoiled football by fluking the Champions League.

So, basically, what we are saying is fuck off, Konami.  Yes, fuck off.  Literally, fuck off the most ever.  Rich

Dragon’s Dogma (Xbox 360)

November 13th, 2012

Review – Dragon’s Dogma

RPG

I kick arse for the Lord.

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Jeremy McGrath’s Offroad (Xbox Live Arcade)

November 12th, 2012

Review – Jeremy McGrath’s Offroad

Racing

It’s gripped.  Sorted.

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Theme Park (iOS)

November 12th, 2012

Review – Theme Park

God Sim/Sandbox

It’s just a ride.

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PEOWW is FIVE.

November 11th, 2012

Peoww News

Has it really been five years?  Well yes actually.  Five years ago today, we uploaded the fuck out of our Space Giraffe review and that was that.  Three billion reviews later and we’re back on your so-called internet.  We’re not sure how long this current CONTENT EXPLOSION will go on for so enjoy PEOWWvember because you’ll miss us when we’re dead.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

It starts with Blackwood. It ends with Blackwood.

Ask Giant Minecraft Dyer #3: Curiosity

November 11th, 2012

Curiosity – What’s Inside The Cube is the latest bit of pretentious twaddle from previously-good, head vampire Peter Molyneux.  The idea of millions of players around the world aimlessly tapping away at a fuck off cube confuses us.  It also confuses Daphne from Cockhorror, Devon who asks DANNY DYER’S IMMENSE MINECRAFT NOGGIN “Hello Epic Dyer.  What do you think of all this Curiousity bollocks?

The Dyer

Curiosity?  Molyneux?  Peter?  Cubes?  Fack me, Love.  It all does my facking cannister right in.  Millions of people tapping away at a facking cube all day?  This isn’t China, Pete.  That’s a million people who could be watching me play a bouncer or bank robber in a straight-to-DVD classic.

This Peter Molyneux… I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair but he’s clearly not a man.   If he came round to my local battle cruiser and tried to order a facking spritzer I’d go up to him, all casual like, and I take his spritzer and I’d facking glass him right in his boat.  How’d you like that, Sebastian?  Facking ponce.

Ponce.