Author Archives: Rich

Ask Giant Minecraft Dyer #3: Curiosity

Curiosity – What’s Inside The Cube is the latest bit of pretentious twaddle from previously-good, head vampire Peter Molyneux.  The idea of millions of players around the world aimlessly tapping away at a fuck off cube confuses us.  It also confuses Daphne from Cockhorror, Devon who asks DANNY DYER’S IMMENSE MINECRAFT NOGGIN “Hello Epic Dyer.  What do you think of all this Curiousity bollocks?

The Dyer

Curiosity?  Molyneux?  Peter?  Cubes?  Fack me, Love.  It all does my facking cannister right in.  Millions of people tapping away at a facking cube all day?  This isn’t China, Pete.  That’s a million people who could be watching me play a bouncer or bank robber in a straight-to-DVD classic.

This Peter Molyneux… I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair but he’s clearly not a man.   If he came round to my local battle cruiser and tried to order a facking spritzer I’d go up to him, all casual like, and I take his spritzer and I’d facking glass him right in his boat.  How’d you like that, Sebastian?  Facking ponce.

Ponce.

 

GTA V gets previewed a bit.

Peoww News

Not by us.  We can’t be bothered finding out that sort of shit (read: we’re not important enough to get access to Rockstar’s knob).  But anyway, Game Informer (who?) have had access to the preview build and have vomited eighteen fucking pages of pre-cum all over the world.

We can’t claim to have read it apart from this little morsel;

“GTA V’s world is bigger than Red Dead Redemption, San Andreas and GTA 4 combined.  With room to spare”

Or as we like to call it:  too fucking big then.  Great.  Get used to traipsing about the place like a pointless cunt then.  Rich

Ask Giant Minecraft Dyer #2: The GMA Doritos Debacle

With games journalism being further called into question when a bunch of so-called journalists tweeted promotional hashtags at the GMAs for the chance to win PS3 consoles and Doritos or something (fuck, I don’t know), one of our readers asked THE 100FT MINECRAFT DANNY DYER HEAD “Hello mammoth stoney Dyer.  What do you make of all this GMA PS3 Dorito nonsense and especially Lauren Wainwright who had the Eurogamer article edited after she was named as something or other (fuck I don’t know either) ?

The Dyer

I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair.  You know what, I do think there are people who have a serious problem with me but you know what, I get a lot of love in this country.

You know what, I get a lot of love from men.  Which is quite a rare thing.  This geezer clearly ain’t a man.  He’s obviously some two-bob fackin wrong ‘un who’s a failed facking writer.  Lauren Wainwright?  Fucking Kermit?

You’ve got to turn it in, Sunshine.   Know what I mean?  You know, respect your own.  You know, I’m not claiming to be Laurence Olivier, I’m just earning a pound note.

If I come across ya, I'll put something right across your facking cannister.

 

Ask Giant Minecraft Dyer #1: The Wii-U

With Nintendo’s foray into the next gen just around the corner. One of our readers asked THE 100FT MINECRAFT DANNY DYER HEAD “Hello monstrous stone Dyer. Should I buy the Nintendo Wii-U or wait for Sony or Microsoft to announce their next console?

The Dyer

Yeah I bought the treacle one of them Nintendo Wii fings.  Said there you go, Treacle.  You can do some facking Zumba now and not miss Eastenders.

Now the facking thing has got more dust on it than Dot Cotton’s facking muff.

To be honest, I can’t be arsed with all that facking Mario shit.  He’s a facking MUG.  Nah, if I had arms and wasn’t just a terrifying stone visage of a popular (read: MUCH LOVE FROM MEN) wideboy actor, I’d be too busy playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.

It looks the facking nuts, bruv!

Soppy tart.